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...ships that pass in the night...

The Dark Side of the Moon

An unexpected time machine.. :)
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Just read 'It makes you desperate' by rockstarpeach and - OH MY GOD!!!!

You know how I'm generally a sucker for schmoopy, rainbow love ending with Forever After? Well, at first I was hesitant, couldn't quite decide if I want to start reading or not. But then the first paragraph slowly sucks me in - all the detail of the relationship. All the little things they do - how they are with each other. The little touches. That totally melted me. And then..

What is love, what is sex? In this story, Love is there in spades - but you can't force your sexual orientation. You want to take care of that person, you're happy to be around each other, you just.. fit. And yet, you can't see that person in a sexual light. It's like platonic but deeper. I guess you could be 'hetero life-mates', although when the time comes for you to 'date' in the traditional sense, it's probably not going to be easy - on anyone involved. But this story takes it one step further - one's gay and DO love the other in that way. And the other? Straight - and tried. They both tried. So hard. But in the end, they have to let go. And it's so real, and so true and so heart-breakingly beautiful that I was just totally lost for words.

 As I said, I don't normally go for angst (well, compared to fluff) but some times, you stumble upon one that's a love story nonetheless. And it makes you feel and ache in the best of ways..

Truely Esoteric's 'Modern Family' is another one. A gen that's achy and real and so much.. more..

<== started on Nov 13th - finished Nov 28th ^^!

Anyway - continuing on with that theme - I've actually got a couple of other topics floating around in my head (and Twitter ^^!) so this might end up one big composite entry - we'll see ;)!

So, love vs sex.


020112 14.27
Back on my Original account - and yup, this is what's been hanging around in one of the Chrome tabs ;p! Actually had an idea for another entry - something on culture, language and self-expression, which was why I thought about posting in the first place. Only to be confronted with the beloved 'restore from saved draft?' XD!!!!

There's a slightly different 'beginning' on Opera in my other account - might finish this and THEN edit to add that back at a later date (if it's still there...) but for now, let's get this done so that I can start on the other topic, eh?

[just wandered off to have a look at some other tabs I had open last time - still several things to be done, it seems ;p! At least I got the QI out of the way already XD!! Ooh, which reminds me - the Doctor some time soon!!]


111213 12.26

Almost two years later.. Hello again :)

It's quite a pleasant surprise, actually - to have these drafts jumping out at you unexpectedly.

But yes - this shouldn't be too long. Just scratching an itch before I have to drag myself back to my thesis. Which is rather short, now that I have an example of a friend's ^^! Oh well ;p

Still apathetic, still not caring, still.. meh!! I think it's been going on for the past year or so. But maybe a fresh start is on the horizon? Will have to be soon any how ^^!

There will probably be more updates in the coming days. Or not - I can't really tell. Time's running pass and I really can't seem to care....

I might go distract myself a little more then I really need to head back ^^!

tata - till next time ;)

...On General Updates and Busy Weekends? ;p!...
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Went swimming today - and as a result, was quite sleepy this afternoon...
<== That was from Thursday 3rd Nov. Forgot what I wanted to say after that - I think I just felt like writing.. or something ;p! 

Now, though - 22.29 Sun 061110. Internet has NOT been working for the whole day today - most annoying!! Seems like there's a problem with the LAN connection - keep saying that the IP address can't be resolved or sth ['Local area connection' does not have a valid IP config] . I just hope it's a temporary thing - at least nothing to do with my lappy/ cable!! Aish, so annoying!! This morning, I was able to go online for about 5 min at a time and then it'll just disconnect. I don't even know!! 

General stuff then - practical starts tmr. Which means exam's in a month. Hmm. 

Went to Freiburg yesterday - Ina and her best friend were going and there's this 'ticket for 5' offer so Veronica and I decided to go too - worked out only 7EU for a return trip! A nice city - a lot of old buildings and shops in alleys/cobbled stone streets. The Cathedral (Muenster) was old Gothic and quite impressive - the stained glass windows were of a 'deeper'/ 'sharper' shade and it sort of remind me of Beauty and the Beast - I think it was the first page in the book or something - actually, it may even be the first scene in the Disney version! 

Okay, I can't stand this anymore - I'm gonna save this in Notepad first and re-paste it or sth. I just need to try and connect to the Internet, it's REALLY bugging me. Still need to find Nack a present ^^! Well, got her a card on Friday and found another one on Sat. Also got her some chocolate and tea-strainer type thing too. Still need to write the card though - and figure out how to send the package ^^! That, and I also need to read the protocol for tmr. Hmm, I might be going to sleep a little later than planned tonight - but since I really didn't do anything much today, that shouldn't be a problem ;p! Finally cleaned the room + re-organise the desk though so at least there's some progress in that area ;p!

Was also out at the '90s Party' on Friday night - HUGE place but it was almost completely packed! Was there from around 11-3-ish. It's kinda weird with the dancing, since it's so dark inside, you can't really see anyone properly. A couple of hot guys, sure - but then it's like the unspoken rule of public transport - you only really dance with your friends. And by dancing, it was more like moving your body to the music, bobbing up and down and wriggle-type thing. I don't know - I enjoyed myself (although my feet was sorta dead by the end of the night ^^! ) but with the entrance fee and stuff, I don't think I'll be going very often. 

New development? Hmm, not really.. Still don't know if I'm behaving appropriately - feels slightly guilty for any mixed signal that I may have caused - at the end of the day, it's still someone's feeling and stuff and things can get quite personal. But I think I've made myself clear enough in the conversations - and while I may not be interested (small talks can get quite tiresome - and a bit awkward ^^!), I'm not completely repelled by the attention either. I guess in my head, I have this idea of 'clicking' and so expects things to sort of just be smooth and interesting and stuff all the time. Which may not really happen in real life.. ^^! But bottom line? It never hurts to be nice - need to be careful not to be too nice though - could backfire. Well, we'll see.. ;) Besides, all this could just be me reading too much into things, right? ;p!! 

Oh, highlight of Freiburg - LIVE JAZZ!!! Was walking around and came upon these two old guys busking -
double bass and sax. I nearly died of happy RIGHT THERE!!! Sat on a nearby bench and listened for a while. LOVED IT!!! Sorta weird, actually - jazz records I'm not especially fussed about - but Live Jazz? Oh my~~!!! I think it's especially the 'live' part ;p! 

Oh, about the swimming - felt good to be in the water again after, what, 5-6 years? Although I still hate the fact that I can't really breathe properly and all - and that I'm more or less asleep for the rest of the day ^^! I think it might be a good idea to take up some sort of sport - I always feel like I have this residue energy to burn!! Maybe Badminton? At least I wouldn't have to learn that one from scratch ;p! 

Was at Annette's flat on Sat night with Vero and Iker - and part of the discussion veered towards relationship, marriage and kids. Iker was saying how he feels like marriage is such a big step compare to sort of moving in together - and I have to wonder at that a little. Of course I know it's a lot to do with the culture but still, living together for me seems a bit like cheating - you get all the benefits of being married - being together, sharing lives, physical intimacy etc - but you seem to have less 'responsibility' - is this about the mortgage?? ^^! But maybe it's also in the mindset - maybe you put more stress on yourselves just because you're now 'married' whereas nothing should really change that much from when you were living together. But if you, like me, don't agree with living together before marriage, then it's a totally different thing. Which may also explain my reluctance to such things - it takes A LOT of work, a relationship, and I''m simply too lazy to really put in the effort required ^^!

Anyway, it's now 00.43 - and I'm already nodding off.. Although that's not actually much of an indication for me  ;P ! Considering the fact that I didn't really know what to write, this is pretty good, yeah. 

<== Posted at 12.34 071110. I hope the Internet Access behaves itself soon!! 

...On some RL updates, Identities and a mini Slashy-meta ;p!...
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Okay, where do I even start?

Second week of lectures's started. Still more or less the same things I did, albeit with a little more detail. And possibly more work required.. should get onto that soon ;P! 

Have been itching to write for a long while now - I think my problem is that I keep thinking that this will have to be something big and elaborate and just keep putting it off 

<== That was written on 191011, sometime in the evening, if I can remember correctly. Before I then started distracting myself with fics (was going through crack_impala's RPS rec list) until I sorta give into the fact that the tutorial sheet will not write itself around 11-12.
Before I distract myself with fics, again, let me get this down quickly. Just finished Scott Sickle's 'Genaelogy of a Kiss'. Feeling a little... ngh~~, as I am wont to do after a good, emotional piece. Reminds me of Holding the Man in that they both deal with more or less the same issue - relationship, gay men and AIDS. Similar technique with time jumps and all - but differences in the detail as well. HTM has one leading couple, GoK has two-ish. And I really quite like the way it deals with the end of one relationship and how that affects the other. I really like the detail and the dialogue.

Now, about fics and distractions - I noticed that I touched on a similar vein of subject a couple of entries back (the one with my mini-J2 rec). It's weird, actually. I tried going back to HD a couple of days ago and, okay, to be fair it was an average fic - but.. it's just not quite the same..
This thing about different fandoms - different characters and different settings give us different 'materials' to explore different themes. And while I LOVE my HD - many post-war stuff, a lot of AU (I think age comes into play at this point as well - I find myself enjoying fics where the characters are in their 20s/ have jobs a lot more than high school/hogwarts stuff), with it's premise of shared histories and overcoming differences and all that (not to mention the wit and sarcasm often found in Draco ;p!) - oh, and you can do a LOT with the Magic element as well, actually - I just find a different.. focus, I suppose, with J2.

This fandom, to me, at least, seems to thrive on the instant attraction/rapport between the Js. And maybe that's closer to RL or my ideals. Wincest, from what I can gather with my limited reading, affords the intensity of emotion because of the background in canon. And while I haven't read anywhere near enough of it, that's one of the elements I most enjoy - it makes for some beautifully intense/tugs-at-heartstring stories.

<=== And that was 211011 in the early evenings. God, I swear I must have developed an attention span problem or something!!! But it just seems like there were more that I wanted to say and things weren't coming out quite right or something. Nevermind...
There's actually a J2 Big Bang that I am quite interested in - Don't Hide Your Light. I read the A/N and she said she wanted to look at the gender stereotypes and where they come from and how things like religion and fear may affect people and their self-perception and things like that. It's not even THAT long - maybe I'll read it soon.

Now, I have started to notice that whenever I wanted to 'stall', I try to find something that I think would be short and quick - I think that's partially the guilt. But what sort of amuses me afterwards is the fact that I'd have 'longer' things that I wanted to have a look at/read but I'd avoid them because I feel too guilty to do it then or sth but if I add up all the times I spent on the 'shorter ones' combined, it'd probably e more than if I'd just given in and read that one long one ;p! I guess one argument in my favour is that with 'shorter' ones, I could sort of stop after a short period of time, whereas I'd be hard pushed to just leave a long one in the middle - only problem? I tend to get carried away just as much with the shorter ones ^^! 

A quick update on RL before I go back to some more internal musings - went out and meet a group of Thai seniors today. P'Nithi (P'Big) FB messaged me last week to say that there'd be a 2nd hand fair at Marstallhof today (sat 22 Oct) from 10-3 and they're gonna go for Dinner afterwards so would I like to come? I told him that I'd probably stop by after lunch and will stay for dinner - but I ended up going there around 3.30pm instead - just because I was lounging around and couldn't be bothered to get myself ready until it was nearly 3pm ^^! But met a group of Thais anyway - a lot of people came from Karlsruhe, about 45min away by train, I think, and here's my list of name, again ;P! 
P'Big (Nithi), P'Arm, P'Tem, P'Mod, P'Rit, P'Moo, P'X, P'Aoeng (from CRI as well!), P'Ji, P'Aew, P'Bonn, P'Pao, P'Pink, P'Kae and Jom, who's a year older (I think - or two, no matter ;P!), German but spoke PERFECT Thai - with hardly a hint of accent at all!! And it was after 2 yrs only - one for AFS and another for work ex in BKK!! Most ppl are doing Maths, apart from P'Moo who's doing Music Therapy, P'Rit in Biotech and Jom in Teaching school. There are possibly one or two more names I didn't get to ask, since there were so many of us. But in chronological order - I called P'Big when I was at Marstall but he'd already left so he told me to go find a table with Thai people. Met P'Ji, P'Aew and P'Bom then P'X, P'Moo - P'Aoeng and Jom joined a bit later - discovered that P'Aoeng is from CRI - started speaking dialect. Jom was an AFS in Nan as well as spending a year in BKK - such good accent! Apparently he could also understand Dialect, just can't speak it. 

Then P'Aoeng. P'Moo and Jom were going for a walk - tagged along. Ended up at a kibab shop. Ate (just a tiny bit messily, perhaps - but it was still fine, honest!!) and then P'Aoeng had to leave for work back in Mannheim. Went with P'Moo and Jom to dinner - met P'Big (I actually thought P'Tam was P'Big 'cause he was the first one with glasses I saw XD!!!), P'Tam, P'Arm, P'Mod and P'Rit. Was actually quite stuffed already but ordered anyway ^^! We were there for a while so talked for a bit. Then we sort of started travelling back home - went to Bismarktplatz. A lot of ppl were heading to Hauptbahnhof for their trains home but a group of us: P'Moo, P'Arm, P'Tem, P'X, P'Rit and P'Mod, were heading to P'Pink's house. Met P'Pink and P'Kae. Talked. Went to Rewe with P'Tem and P'Arm - got some more provisions. P'Tae lives in Holbeinring, same as Ina!! Went home ;)!

<=== The above section was started around midnight of 221011 and I stopped and stalled for a bit etc etc. Went to bed at around 3 - only get to finish up just now - 12.07pm, 2231011 ^^! 

Might or might not go out today - texted last night. Weather is nice though ^^ 

Now, I'm DETERMINED to finish this - really need to go off and do that tutorial afterall ^^! 

So, what was it again? I think the general 'things' that has been floating around my head was mostly fandom-related. How I'm sort of living vicariously through all these schmoop - which would explain my penchance towards them being 'older' than high school kids ;p! 
But if you think about it - what is all this romance? I think it has a lot to do with approval. If you think about it, people struggle to find 'who they are' and 'the purpose of life' - why? Because now that they can afford to think beyond gathering food and daily survival, suddenly all these opportunities are open for them. And it's overwhelming if you don't know 'where' you're supposed to go - you don't even know where to start! Which would also explain why 'what colour is your aura', 'what does your birthday say about you' type-things/ personality quizes are so popular. And it's not like we DON'T know that they are all sort of generic and vague for a reason - it's just selective perception kicks in to try and reinforced our identity.

And that's what scary, isn't it? Identity. The fact that there's nothing to support 'who you are' apart from the 'you' that kept making that choice. The you that 'chose' to be this way and that. And I should really practise what I preach, shouldn't I? But to 'change' requires energy. See? There's nothing to stop me from being a lazy ass (seriously, a day can go by sooo quickly, only for you to discover that you've done virtually NOTHING to mark it apart from the others that came before it..) apart from my reluctance to 'change'.

So, back to schmoop and courtship - for someone to 'enjoy your company' is a testament, a proof that 'who you have chosen to be' is a good choice, a valid choice.

Jumping back quickly to CS and RL - I've virtually neglected my Exteen ^^! As I said at the very begining, with CS, I think I'm making it into much more of a deal than I really should. And you know, I sort of want to start doing something around this time - seeing as I've also just started a new place and things.

Another thing I find curious is the fact that I'm perfectly content in a group of International friend/ Thai seniors - I can talk, laughed and just generally shoot the shits. But I'm a bit apprehensive of my kitchen mate - just 'cause their primary language of communication is German... ^^!! I'll have to look more into how to force myself to 'interact' with German soon! Just because it's easier to speak in English - I guess there's the desire to 'express oneself' which gets frustrated if it can't be expressed properly which sort of overcome the 'common sense' approach of forcing oneself OUT of one's comfort zone ^^!

Why slash though? (Sorry about jumping back and forth - I think because there're a few things that have been floating around for a while and  since they haven't been put down until now, they are bound to be a bit.. unconnected ^^!) I think there's the aesthetic value of it - I remember getting into HD + 1st Gen (are they my first fandom? Wow!), it was because of the AMAZING fanart. I remember there was the time when I was into Draco/Hermionie - can't rememer but it must be BEFORE my HD. Heh ;E! See, the thing with D/Her was that they were both pretty sharp and it was a good intellectual match. The thing with HD (apart from the fanart ;p!) though, was the fact that there was more potential for adventure, action and angst.

Not that I have it fully worked out in my head yet - but if you want to look at it from a biological/evolutionary POV, same sex coupling means no threat to the female? Because no offspring would come of it? But that's not.. hmm. As I said, not yet very clear in my head..^^!

00.40 241011 - Was out all day, well all afternoon, yesterday (Sun 23). Went up to Philosophenweg and further up to Heidelberger Thingstätte (an outdoor amphitheatre built in the Third Reich) and the Heiligenbergturm (an old church tower that really reminds me of the 'classic' castle tower look!). Then came back, cooked some spaghetti bolognese and do random things on the internet (soooo slow!!!) - oh, more like watching the pixar clips etc. Was introduced to a new jap anime series 'Samurai Champloo'. Each ep is only 20 min so it's not too bad, I suppose..

Just realised I'm a lot more toucht-feely than I previously thought too ^^!

Will publish this now - I think this is more than long enough ^^! Any other points can just be a new entry ;P!

Will go and finish my tutorial presently - I seriously don't know where all of my time's gone!!! ^^!!!

Night night!!   

...On Summers and Revelations - I think ^^!...
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I just noticed - LJ has a new 'symbol' tab!! Not that it makes any difference to me, of course ^^! 

It feels good, to be able to type in high speed like this. I haven't really touched my laptop this holiday - not for any 'proper' typing anyway. I have been re-reading some of the j2 but there are some days when I don't touch my laptop at all. And I was sort of fine with that ^^! 

Likewise with the Internet - Nack is 

NEWS FLASH: is now a paid service!! Gah! 


040911 - will post this first, for the sake of the subject ;p! Will be back later..hopefully ^^! 

...On exams, goals and life directions - unfin...
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 Right - where do I even start?

Exams are over - just two weeks ago, I think. Feels like a lifetime!! Totally fucked up on MBD :sigh:. 
Totally anti-climatic, if you ask me. 

Got an offer from Heidelberg. Mum's really happy. Which reminds me - need to scan and send in the acceptance slip as well as start looking at Accom properly. I'm leaning towards going for the 'Service Package' - dorm, semester card and some other stuff all sorted out for you for the first term. It's a bit scary, actually, seeing all things in German. And to have to speak it - I'm a little apprehensive. Maybe I should start watching movies with German dub - or sth ;p! 

Tidied up m room today since N'Wa was coming for a viewing. Will try to maintain it in more or less this state - will see how long it's gonna last ;E!! Still have to sort out my wardrobe and..papers :shudders:. But then I figure, I don't actually have anything else..anything 'substantial' to do - so it may be a good idea to try and give structures to my life a little.

On the subject of exams and stuff - I'm more or less resigned to a 2:1. Despite this little voice in my head that keeps saying I'd be able to get a First if I had worked for it. But, you know as Steph read to me once, one of the downsides of my laid-back, 'sanguine', nature is that I rarely achieve my full potential. Cannot agree more. 

So, you know, if the degree classification is supposed to reflect your academic potential/ how you are at Uni - then I think it's only fair that mine be a 2:1 - especially with the amount of work I've put in. So yeah, I think it's time I stop thinking about it.

Heidelberg Interview and exam was the week of my Finals. I know, right?! But it went fine - as the result suggested ;)! But on the Sunday before my last exam (MBBI), I cracked. I was feeling unsure about what I wanted to do with life and with the pending outcome of the interview (I slipped up on some of the technical stuff so I was feeling a little meh~ and in retrospect, I suppose that was my reaction to the fear of me not getting the place) so I started thinking about other possibilities - balking. And mum called.
I don't know why but I was crying when we talked. I wasn't even sad or disappointed - seems like an automatic reaction to a serious conversation ^^! But to go into more detail - it all sparked off with the question 'why Heidelberg?' - and you know, my honest-to-god answer is 'because it's in Germany'. And isn't that sort of..irrelevant to the whole 'scientific' thing? (now I think i've come to accept that that will always be the way I am, putting 'life' first, although I'm still not quite sure what it is that I'm really after ^^! More on travelling after, I think) So I started thinking, am I really suited for this? For Science? Because that's gonna be the point of no return soon enough (and for all intents and purposes, I think I've already gone pass that at the age of 13, when I got sent here - more in a bit) and you know how I've never really 'bothered' with Science? Not really one to read primary papers and all that? So when I thought - do I really wanna do this? I balked. 
I think I've already said so many times before but the most 'obvious' thing I know about myself and my motivation is that I wanted to 'help' (and on that note, a bit about blood donation to come) And I've always had this thing with volunteering (will need to sort ou my DoE book soon - and for Dancing as well!) so I thought - the most logical option is sth with an NGO, right? That's what I told mum - 'cause I don't actually know what else I could do. I have no idea what I wanted - I just wasn't sure if Science is what I should be doing.

And that was, what, about two weeks ago ^^! It's 030611 today. And I think it's about time I finish this. 

What triggers this sudden 'urge' is actually a comment from Laurence just before we head home for the day. To set the scene, ZL has left and I was working on my ELISA graphs at Alice's desk. Franze came to ask if ZL is still around and hung back to talk to me.  

<====== It's now 290811. Yup, talking about half-finished entries ^^! 

I'd have to re-read the whole thing before i can think back to what I was trying to say - which isn't something that I want to do at this point in time. I'll probably cme back to it but for now, let me start afresh, yeah? 

...On scratching an itch...
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Nack wrote a Note on FB and tagged me on it. And now I'm itching to write sth. Won't be long - got to go back to my last-minute revision after all. But yeah, I just want to write and I'm giving in. Finally.

The 'itch' has never really gone away - I've been 'avoiding' updating my LJ 'cause I know it can get pretty long once I get started so I've been more or less using twitter as a substitute. But, I don't know - I just want to get sth out now, I guess. 

Several things on my mind. Just now, coming back home from work, I was just wondering - would my 'enough' be..enough? It makes me feel kind..weird. 'Cause I know I'm not REALLY going all in in this (well, if I really were to go all in, I would have done all my notes during term, done my extra reading etc etc so, yeah. That's not really gonna happen, is it) and especially with MGE. The others, I'm more or less ok with but the subject matter in MGE is just kinda..meh ^^! And it's stated that ou need 'extensive outside reading' for a First. Well, I don't know. I know I want to 'understand' the lecture material and if I can get my head around that and explain it properly, that'd be enough. I've never really bought into the 'Further Reading' bit. But maybe that's different now that I'm in my Final year? Oh, I don't know. Nothing I could do about it now, I guess. I've been restless and apathetic. Maybe I'm getting a little scared. But, you know, at the end of the day, what goes around, comes around, right? So, yeah. What goes around comes around. I'll just do what I can.

ZL is also quite excited about our trip. I have yet to check with Mum and I actually feels kinda bad. I want to do a little Meta on this - the whole 'travelling/seeing the world' thing once I finish with exams. She also asked when I wanna get married. I was like, dunno -  28, 30, 32? ;E!! As I said, I'd still be fine with 'Never' ;p! 

Shutting down now - back to MGE. RNA Splicing isn't looking good AT ALL. Ugh! 

I also kinda want to write a letter to Mum. She must be lonely. Miss her too - she called me last night when Nack left on the plane. Not very long now...

ttyl ;)

waiting for the Webcam software to finish loading - 5 more min. Thought I'd come over here and keep going for a little bit more.

Was thinking - you know how I always wanted to 'help'? How I really really want to go work with NGOs and do volunteer and stuff, right? Well, I was just thinking - there is more than one way to help and for me to stop now, it'd be a sad, sad waste of money and human resources. So I just need to keep going. And keep a look out. And maybe help out here and there in the mean time ;)! In fact, talking of helping out - maybe I can go donate blood again soon!! The last time I was home was for the Summer, right? Came back in October - so the six months period ends in APRIL ^0^!! 

In fact, let me go book myself a slot online for after exam ;)! 

ttyl (probably for real this time - it's nearly done ;)!)

...On Writing - a quick one...
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 In Your Own Write: The ten rules for excellent writing

The linky thing doesn't seem to wanna work at the mo so I'll leave it.
This popped up in my Twitter (which is now more like my little stream-of-consciousness/ post it as I go through rec after rec ;P!) and I went over to have a read. Loved the writing style XD!!!

As for the actual content - well, I won't say I'm an aspiring writer but Rule no1 is 'Write Everyday' - can just be lists, updates, tweets etc. and he pointed out that that was why keeping blogs is quite a good idea. And that got me thinking.

This is like my diary, isn't it? And writing - well, I think it help me sort things out in my head. Lay out my arguments. It's like having a conversation with yourself, just typed up. And that's probably why I love it here so much. Another rule was that you should write as you would speak. Well, with this serving as my personal dumping ground, there's probably no avoiding that ;E! 
It's curious, actually. I like reading and writing. A lot. But I've never erally thought 'what for?' before. I write because I felt like writing. And I love typing on my laptop. Sometimes I have stories to tell, things I've seen or wondered about. My point of views, my opinions that I was trying to figure out. Other times? Well, sometimes you just want to leave something 'out there' I suppose. Like a message in a bottle, thrown out to sea. It's in the act more than the need for someone to find it.
In fact, that's an idea I want to come back again after this - a message in a bottle. It's a piece of you. Adrift. Fate. 
Oooh~~!!! ;E! !
I was on the phone with mum on Tuesday and we were talking about next year and what would happen if I don't get a place in Germany. And to be honest, I'm actually quite Zen about this whole thing - more so that I thought I would be ^^! There will be times for research and stuff after the exam but mum was just about everything. And I know I can talk things out with her and there will be things that I haven't even thought about - and I'm actually quite excited!! 
Let's hope I don't crash and burn here then, shall we?


...On - ...
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Another day is ending. It's a nice day too - all sunny and nice.

'This bus has reached its destination. Please check for your personal belongings..'

To see different lives, different scenarios - words spoken, emotions, reactions. 
Love, relationships.



scoffing at cliches and happy-endings. 
seduced by the darker side of the emotions
different kinds of pain 

because happiness is transient?
easily forgotten?

growing up with fairy tales and romance novels
seeking something..more
something different?
more people don't get their happy-endings?
that's not quite true
if it's cliched, it means that enough people would have used it, experienced it
not to say that there are no cliche in the pains
gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, wishing for death
maybe it's the morbid fascination
reading all those stories - maybe you should look back at your own once in a while.
what are you doing?
vacant stares
a streak of red
midnight, vacuum, nothingness
smoke, ashes, shards of glass
under your skin


There's A Never Ending Story That Begins With You And I
(You’re Gonna Find) All Your Fairy Tales Are Lies

Writer's Block: Homeword bound
default ^^
How would you describe your perfect home in ten words or less?

cozy, comfortable, simple, welcoming, nice view, light, spacious, unique, above ground


This is actually harder than I thought ^^!

i don't normally do Writer's block but the user pic for this question was too tempting XD!!!
Now that I think of it, I can't actually decide between a city flat and a country cottage ^^! 
I wan something homey though - lots of comfy furniture 'cause I love my pillows and duvets. Simple decorations, bordering minimalistic. If it's a city flat, the furniture would probably be modernist too! Country bungalow though - something quirky and unique like the cottage in 'The Holiday' would be nice. Nice views too - either a cityscape through huge floor-to-celling windows (and patio) or a nice, natural view from the bungalow. Maybe i'll make it two storey - now that I'm thinking about it, I quite like views from above ground. And that's got nothing to do with my height, I don't think hehehe ;p! Actually, I would love to live in a quirky little house - filled with character! Weirdly built or whatever - it'd be fun!! And with an attic!! Or I could live in an attic!! That'd be fun too ;E!!! I think I DO have a thing for height ^^!

Can't imagine a 'family home' though - not yet? But yeah, comfy furnitures. Most important XD!!! 

It's 2am. WTF ^^!!!!! 
ttyl then ;)! 

...On stalling-induced entry, a week or two ago ;p! ...
default ^^
Just to update - currently going through atimi's Masterlist after discovering that I haven't actually commented on 'Steal a Moment' - one of my FAVOURITE, if not my favourite, thief!J2. The dialogues - the banter, the chemistry, the snark, the history. I was squealing and melting BIG TIME!! And her other stuff are equally AWESOME. I have been laughing out loud all day today - and smiling like a loon too ;E!!!  Oh, and she wrote 'Practically Perfect in Every way' - I can't believe I haven't commented on that O.o!!??! 

Am twittering a lot more frequently - I think it can be used as some sort of substitute for a mini LJ-entry, full of fangirl spaz and all XD!! 

Anyway, here's what I wrote when I was stalling on L2 on 24/25 March. I think I have an angst at the end of this as well - will need to go update my sticky post some time too ;E!!

00.24 Kinda gone through most, if not all, of atimi's One-shots and shorter chaptered fics - she's still posting regularly and seems to be doing a lot of one-shots as well :do a victory dance: XD!!!!!!!!


I’m stalling - I can feel it ^^!

Would normally head over to LJ to type this out but since there’s the draft hanging around from Winterlong two Saturdays ago (he was asian and quite hot from my one glance ;p! I was pretty sure I was the only asian there for the production as well – oh man!!! It’s a shame there’s nothing interesting on there any time soon ;E!! Just want to try, you know – a chance we can create ;p! Like that little trip back to le Pain – although nothing came of it, it was still kinda nice to try!), I thought I’d do this first and then copy & paste it once I get back home instead. Not that I couldn’t ‘restore’ the draft here but it’s missing the title and I can’t really remember what I wanted to say anymore without it ^^!

Last sat – went to lieberstod with Jenna. Loved the programme!! Have yet to have a look at it properly though – they have the lyrics and stuff all typed up and the notes are sooo good!! All about love and a bit of angst and lovely, lovely things – I think I’ll probably get another entry out of that, that’s how awesome it was!!

I think one of the things I was gonna do was to rec some J2 – beautifully written. Off the top of my head, there was that one based on ‘Kings’ – where the story was told with flashback and such, such beautiful language and imageries. Jensen was a prince and Jared from a neighbouring country with tricky political situation. It was a kind of college! Au for a bit but all the emotions – gosh, the emotions and the description and the way the story was told. Just. Yeah

Another one was lawyer!Jared, Bartender!Jensen. Jared was with Sandy, Jensen mixes cocktails and my heart ached.
Actually, I think I’m gonna go back and copy & paste the comments I left. Will probably do that for all the long ones too – there’s the Neverland-Fairy!Jensen story and the Painter!Jared/cop!Jensen Best friend story..

There are other AUs as well, of course – TONS that made me smile and squee and be all fan-girlly. There was that bookshop!Jared/writer!Jen, ones with AMAZING dialogues and oh gosh, I think this could very well spiral into my own personal J2 rec if I’m not careful ^^! Ah, and thief!J2 and suit!J2 too.. Oh man – I can see where this is going to end up if I keep going ^^!

Am browsing my replies now – there are bound to be ones that I squee over and haven’t gotten back to me (my comment count went up to around 200 since I started J2 about 4/5 weeks ago – that’s how AWESOME they are!!) but I’ll leave the proper ‘reccing’ till later, k? ;)! Lostmemory!Jared – god, that one nearly broke my heart. Sooo much emotion – and the depiction of everyone concerned, their reactions. Just – ngh~! Then we have the Gifted!J2 on a space station – that was cool ;p! Teacher!J2 and oh, all of longsufferingly’s stuff ;p! Goingtoqueens doesn’t write much but I remember two of her stories being AMAZING! I think one of it was ‘when the star goes blue’ and that was – ngh~~!!! Then there are the flightsteward!J2 and period!J2 and lots and lots of schmoop and crack! Enablelove does TONS of nice, fluffy shots and kelleigh too! Not to mention all the verse stuff :dances happily: XD!!!

I can’t even remember why I started this up anymore – apart from to get away from starting my write-up, that is ^^!
Oh, I think I was gonna try and do something about the whole ‘romance’ situation and how the difference in culture will affect this. A lot of schmoop I love involve cohabitation – and while that’s TOTALLY CUTE, I really can’t see it happening for me which brings me to the whole thing about how romance fic translates into life that I have been meaning to get on for a while.

Ok – was just reading a proposal fic and that’s another point. I would sooo cringe at something romantic and grand and public (please oh god NOT on one knee in a restaurant!!) (I think I’ve been on this particular soapbox before, actually - but since it’s me and it’s kinda relevant, I care not ;p!) so I would have thought something domestic and homey and just..comfy. That’s also the kind of relationship I want, actually – easy and homey and just..chill. Someone who ‘gets’ me (although I myself am rather unsure what there is to ‘get’ ^^!) and just..clicks. Nice conversations, easy smiles. Things like that. So, yeah – back to the whole proposal thing – I kinda imagine it as something that just comes out as we lounge on the couch or sth. No stresses involved – no elaborate plans. But that’s the point, see? I don’t watch TV, not really, and if we don’t cohabit, then I can’t really see how the couch can come along. Also, with the Thai culture, I think it might be kinda inappropriate for the couple to be alone in any given place – let alone their apartments. So there’s that too ^^!

At the end of last week, I was helping P’Yo iron out some details on her OCs – there’s a pair of twin and she jokingly ask (well, at least I think it was jokingly ^^!) if Koj would want to get with one of them. I kinda laughed it off but that got me thinking – WHO would she go for? What would it be like? The reason why I laughed it off was partly because i wasn’t sure myself what would happen there. She’s a lit nerd but I’m not QUITE (maybe I should start on that pile I have instead of these fics ;p!! Actually, that might be a good idea!!) so I don’t know..

Actually, I have been hanging around P’Prach&Jenna quite a lot in the last few weeks, what with it being his BD for one and then an informal dinner with Pa Noi and some lecturers from Chula and P’Jam and P’Koon another night, oh and there was a soiree before all that, and then after Liebestod – and I found conversations quite interesting and easy! I suppose that’s how it could happen – you just float from one random topic to another and I suppose if you click, you click. I’m not bad on politics (at least the theory – maybe not so much the actual current stuff ;p!) and philosophy and all the thinky shits, if I may say so myself. And there are tons of random factoids floating around my head too ^^!

But then, why? I suppose it’s this feeling, this NEED for someone to witness yours life. Someone to be there and nods – I think there was a quote on my entry re:marriage, actually – someone to be there and a kind of promise, a kind of anchor – to say that you matter because you have a witness to your life. And I think in a way, this is what I crave – what I’ve been doing with all these blogs and LJ – to leave a ‘mark’ – a piece of myself. To say what I want to say, to put down ‘who I am’, ‘leave a mark’. And another instant was this evening when I texted Li to say that I’m camping out on L2 tonight – I think that was another manifestation of that too.

Looking at the clock, it’s 11.45 and I think I just spent 45 min on this ^^! My hands are kinda aching a little bit so I think I’ll stop for the mo. Might come back later though ;p!

Deep breadth – here goes!! Wish me luck (actually, I KNOW I’m gonna try and stall some more first – let’s just hope it won’t be too long, yeah? ^^!)

p.s. I’m head over heels with ‘Need you now’ – and I think I may be a wee bit in love with Charles ;p! ‘Falling in love in a coffee shop’ reminded me of a cute puppy and the ending melted my heart a little too ;p!!

p.p.s Went back to the rec – one of the tags was ‘so much for my happy ending’ – feels a tug at my heart. Maybe it’s just a simple case of fluff overdose? I do like my angst – maybe it’s time to tear my heart up a little? But I KNOW there’s no way I can start that before I get this lab report done though.. ^^!

One of those was ‘didn’t we almost have it all’ – and it’s very possible that that’s where my little idea to go with ‘I honestly love you’ came from. Ngh~~~!! Just finished a short infidelity one – and it reminds me of HD’s 3am. I think there’s a spin on morality and love that I could get out of these but that’s for another time.

Change of Season.. and It seems a place for us to dream – what could have been, the choice they could have made. Jared’s married and Jensen is walking down the aisle. In my version – they both agreed NOT to say yes, and I’m now wondering why. Too afraid to take a chance? For all my talks on living life to the full and following your heart once or twice regardless of what you might face, is that too idealistic? Just wondering...

One last time.
Feeling like you could die – it probably won’t make any difference, given how you’re feeling right now.
The smile plastered across your face is plastic – years of practise borne out of necessity.
Hell, it’s like an unwritten point in your job description. Their job description.

Learn to school your face into appropriate expressions and keep them there.

You've been through this so many times in your head.
They have even TALKED about it, for crying out loud!
Something that would never have happened if you had any say in it – that’s not to say you aren’t grateful that it did, of course.
Hell, it’s the only thing that kept you on your feet for the last few days.

The kiss, the embrace,
The look.

anger and sadness and regret and desperation and Love

So you go through the motion.
Be good.
Be who you're supposed to be.

Playing your part

Smile at people, make polite conversations, resist the urge to curl up and die.
Lather, rinse, repeat.

Jared didn’t want to ask you to be best man. Couldn’t bring himself to do it, the big sop – it was you who insisted.
You wonder if you are a closet masochist.

Gen is radiant in her white wedding gown, Jared in his tux.
His dimples have been on display the whole day – as long as your smile has been in place.
Big smiles with crinkled eyes
so no one would see.

Life’s a bitch – but it goes on.
So you smile and laugh and executed your best-man speech without a hitch.
If you seem to smile more than usual, no one commented.
The only one who would, who knows, is too busy smiling too anyway.


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